Monday, September 20, 2010

So Am I Supposed To Look At The Sky And Yell "Why?!" Or Something?

When you have kids of all ages, you have crisis of different stages. Some really aren't a crisis at all, some are just issues. We have lots of issues, who doesn't. And let's be honest, every once in a while I exaggerate. Ok lots of times. I'm dramatic and I say lots of things, mostly because I'm a jabber-mouth. One thing about me, and the people who know me the best know this, is that when it's a really really big issue, or a real bonafide crisis, I don't talk about it. My husband will know, and eventually my bishop. There have been exactly 2 huge things in my life and they've thankfully been spread out over 20 years. Well right now, we're in the biggest one of our lives so far. It involves everyone in our family. It involves 3 different things.

Mike's health?  That's not even what I'm talking about right now...and that's so super scary, to hear that your husband has the health of a 70 year old man. That's not even close to it, that just makes us say "really life?  REALLY?  Right now???"  Actually, I think the things we just found out about caused the health incident, caused the chest pains, caused him to break down.

I want to pull away from everything in the world. I want to change our number, I want to lock our doors, I want to delete this blog, my facebook, delete my email and all of our cell numbers. I want to go on lockdown because I don't think I can handle what's coming our way. Actually, I'm pretty sure I can't.

Remember that post below about everything happening for a reason?  Well I don't know how I feel about that anymore. There's no reason for all of this. There's absolutely no good reason or lesson I can learn from any of this.

I think all I can do is press forward and take care of the people who live in our home and make sure we're fed and have clean clothes, and when this all comes to a head, you won't see much of me for a while. I am dizzy just thinking about it.

I'm tough. I can live with being poor. I can live with being stressed. I can live with pain. This is too much and I'm just writing about it because it's therapeutic to type this.

I can only read blogs by people like Stephanie and Ruth to understand why and how I can continue. I'm sure you'll all know soon enough about what I'm talking about. I wish it were just one big thing, but it's not. Maybe I'll have Mike blog about it. I don't think I can even type it out. I sure as heck can't speak it aloud, trust me, Mike and I tried to say it to each other and the words just wouldn't come.

For now, I'll just be over here counting my sweet blessings, of which I have many.