It's About Keeping a Good Feeling in Your Heart

There's this thing I've learned over the last few years. See, I'm quick to be defensive. I've always been like that, it's one of the things I dislike about myself.  I've got many faults and one of the ones that bothers me the most is that I take things personally, and I get defensive. See, I'm not a contentious person. I don't like to fight, I don't like to argue, and sometimes a healthy discussion becomes even too heated for my liking.

So a few years ago I had an amazing bishop, Bishop Brown from our church in California. We'd just left Vegas to escape the constant arguing that occurred when my ex would see the kids for his visitation. When I moved, I was damaged. Defensive. Angry. A person who held things in and then blew up later on people who didn't deserve it, my sweet husband and kids. It was killing me, it was hurting them. I couldn't lose weight, I couldn't sleep, I had no energy, I stayed up nightly just stewing about things that were truly so trivial. I had to ask for help.

So I learned over time and many visits how to just turn it off. How to say "ok, I don't want to do this" and then literally walk out of the situation. Stewing on something was like a cancer. for real. I was sick. Physically ill and doctors were puzzled at what was the cause of my many, many symptoms. It was something that just kept me in a hole that was dark and angry and really, who wants to be there?

I began to meditate. Yes, meditate. It sounds wonky or new agey, but really, it's not. It's peaceful. Prayer is meditation. Taking long walks and thinking about positive things is meditation. I LOVE meditating, love it so much.

Lately, there have been a lot of situations that have caused me to become defensive or angry again.  I've had to remove myself from these situations. I always start out with my take on all of these situations, I think of calling people when they're hurting my kids, or when someone's made comments on my situation or statuses on Facebook etc. and then I realize after my blood boils for a minute that waiiiiit a minute here...I'm putting MYSELF in this situation. I can walk out. And that's what I try to do.

I find myself on Facebook often, watching what my friends do, reading their updates and that's fantastic and I love it all, but really, I spend an awful lot of time feeling like I'm having to defend what I say. Why would I want to do that? Sure, it took MONTHS of prodding to get my husband to talk to someone about our fitness, and then I excitedly commented about it, and within minutes, it was being criticized and called into question. This was so damaging, it had to be removed before he saw it. As a matter of fact, if he reads this particular blog, it might just still be damaging, but not as defeating as it would have been for him to read other people's contradicting arguments and "expert" advice that differed GREATLY from what we had just learned...from a REAL expert who understood our unique and individual levels of diet and personal exercise goals. I had to remove it. I had to. This is Facebook though, everyone can weigh in with their ideas and that's awesome! and I love it! Really, I love the interaction. I'm a social butterfly, for hells sake. But if anyone knows the struggle I've had over the last 4-5 years to get my health, AND MIKE to do something about our/HIS overall health (not his weight!  Seriously!) you might just understand a bit more why it had to be removed.

Now sure, a healthy discussion is one thing. I'm ALL for that. As a matter of fact, I love it. I love talking about things that enhance my personal knowledge, but when it takes that turn where it becomes contentious or damaging, I have to walk out. I choose to.

Having teenagers is the same way. I feel like when they start to argue with me, I have to mentally back out and just be peace. And that's what I do. I find peace somewhere other than where I am. It's healthy for me, and that's how it works. It makes me feel better.

Mike and I are on the healthy train once this baby comes. I realize it is easier for us to do it together, and he does it better when I'm doing it with him and encouraging him to do it. We'll be back on our walks and runs, and I'll be cooking again for our weight loss diet. We consult with people who know what they're talking about and we've carefully gone over our personal weight, our personal goals, and our personal plan for intensities and times for our workouts. I can't wait to get started.

I trust this person. He's got a 4 year degree in what he does.  I know what is possible for us, and I don't plan on arguing about it with anyone. It's what we're doing, and it's what our bodies can do and what they can burn.  We're not going on the ranch for Biggest Loser working out 8 hours per day and I'm certainly not 350+ lbs. I will not burn 1000 calories in 1.5-2 hours of walking and running, I can guarantee you that. I'm lucky to get to 300 calories, maybe 350 calories if I run. In an hour+. With 5 lb. weights in my hands.

I love meditating, I love walking and I actually enjoy a run thrown in there, especially if I have good music. I love being to the point in my life where I can walk away from things I PERSONALLY FIND UNCOMFORTABLE and really, that's what works for me. There's a fine line between a "discussion" and a "fight". I avoid the latter. It's all part of me being healthy. I seriously don't take offense...truly!...I just walk off!  I don't like the feeling I get when I feel defensive. It's not a "good" feeling, and really, who WANTS to feel like that? "Not I" said the fly.

For now I don't really have the time to check Facebook all the time and we're not in a position where I can spend money on a phone that updates me all the time on people's doings and goings on there. My kids who've earned phones need them more than I do, and I have almost 7  kids. I can't and won't be in front of a computer all day. Me leaving Facebook for the most part is because I have other priorities, and those start with me. I am a happier mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter and neighbor when I'm doing what's important, and the internet for an hour or more per day isn't that.

Blogging...now that's a different animal. For example, all of my kids are in bed and Mike's finishing some work on his laptop, so I'm writing this and then (magic! pshh...old news) I can schedule for this to be published at a later date!  That's how I find the time to blog. I write the night before when I have the time, then the next day when I've slept on what I have to say (and maybe even hurry on before it's published and edit stuff super quick!) I let it get published. Now, this will still update to Facebook via NetworkedBlogs, but that's also automatic!  Gotta love the internet. Thank heavens Al Gore invented it. What a GENIUS. ;)


Now, back to the health topic really quick,  if I could look like this by Christmas, then I'll tell you what, that might be the best present I could have...EVER. (Oh and Mike too. He might enjoy that a little bit too...hehe)

(PS guys, COMMENT ON THIS!  I'm interested in what you think. And if you don't feel like you have anything to say to me, don't!  I can talk to silent faces, no worries. But this is my main interaction with you guys anymore, and I am not angry with anyone, and you can comment even if you don't have a blog!  Just click on "say what" down below and where you can put your name and URL, enter your name...and you don't even have to have a stinkin URL! Just let me know how you feel about stuff. I really do appreciate all of my friends and family and associates and strangers alike weighing in (get it...weigh? pun totally unintended here) and I'm inviting you to let me know how you feel about anything, about any topic I plan on writing about here. Share stories about your personal weight loss, about your personal thoughts about what I've said here, about your personal love for Heidi Klum. Hell, I don't care. I'm just not doing this on FB anymore. Feel welcomed here. It's like coming over for a little talk in my family room, except instead of sucking down a 42 oz. coke slurpee with you I'm going to go ahead and be munching on carrots and stuff getting ready for my ride on the healthy train again soon)

(oh and I do reserve the right to delete a hateful comment. It is MY blog, you know)