Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Such A Heavy Heart

Do you ever see something on someone's facebook, or on their blog, or in person...and it just makes you crazy? Not crazy in a good way either, crazy in a "These people are so dishonest"/ "These people are such hypocrites"  kind of way? 

Look, I'm the first person to admit that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I was just telling Mike the other night that on a daily basis I find myself thinking "why did I even say that to that person?  Did I offend her/him?" and when I look back later I'm just being overly emotional. I'm careful with what I say, I'm not a mean hearted person, but still, I worry that I'll offend someone. I'm that person who worries. Heh.

So everyone knows I am divorced. Everyone knows I'm remarried. Everyone knows that my kids THRIVE in this household. My kids, they're good people and they're doing so well in their lives. They're happy people, they're caring people and I'm so proud of who they are.

But there's this back side to our story. A side where there's hurt, and there's a lot of neglect, and there's a lot of lying and fake fake fakeness. A couple women on the other side are known to be really mean, starting fights and horrible verbal attacks that happen every time the kids are with these people. These people don't live near one another, nor do they live near us, but when they all get kids...ALL OF THEM who go...they will call me and tell me about the attack in the bathroom where they were yelled at and attacked or the time where one of them ran out the door like a 9 year old and then the kids get blamed for the "adult" person's actions.  Then this same family wonders why the kids don't want to go to family gatherings. (the two women in question are really good friends now. My kids have shown me things online that aren't shocking to me, but they're shocking to the kids. I just point out that people like to be around people who are "like" it shouldn't be shocking that these two particular people are so friendly with each other.  Birds of a feather...right?)

So here I sit, knowing that I need to encourage them to visit these people. AND THEY SHOULD.  It's important to their development to "know" all of the sides of their family. They have love on that side, but the sure make it hard for the kids to want to go.

My dilemma is constant. My issues are no harder than anyone else's in the world and I am so blessed and loved and surrounded by people who SEE this and KNOW this situation, and as much as I would like to just step in and defend the kids, they have to see this and learn how to deal with it on their own. This will continue throughout their lives. Unfortunate, isn't it?

Today a storm is blowing in. The cool air circles around my bedroom as I type this and I have such a heavy heart.  My kids are old enough to assure me that they see who takes care of them. They know that we keep our mouths shut, Mike and I...and we don't talk bad about that side even though the kids come and tell us about all of the filth and bile that gets spewed about us. My kids are old enough and smart enough. I have to just trust that they won't let the hurt attach itself to their hearts. My heart aches for their sweet and tender spirits that have to deal with it.

So what else can you do but pray for them and hope for the best? I'd certainly like to know.


Tara said...

Pray. And lots of love. It sounds like you are doing everything that you can do in the situation. Extra hugs to you! Hug your kids one more time. It's sad that they have to go through that. But they will be able to handle it better as they grow as well. They know what's right, they know who loves them. Just..pray. <>!!

Julie Z G said...

While I understand your dilemma, if you don't mind my saying, I think it's more important to listen to what the kids are telling you. Like it or not, there are some flat out nasty people on this Earth. Regardless of whether they're family, if they make your kids uncomfortable, I wouldn't allow them to to that. I don't know your kids or how old they are, but if they're old enough to make their own decisions, I'd let them do just that. You don't want them to end up resenting you over this whole mess. Just my $.02. Love you! said...

I don't know the situation or you or your family well enough (barely at all? heh) to comment on any of this... but I do get the impression that your kids have their heads screwed on nice and tight, so it sounds like everything will be okay in the end (heart-ache aside). You're tough and smart. They're tough and smart. Mix in a healthy dose of communication and you'll all get there.

Shannon said...

We deal with these issues with my kids and with my husband's kids. Whenever they spend time in their other houses, they are always filled with unkind words about us. I think my kids understand that it's just adults acting immaturely, and they don't seem to let it all affect them much. My husband's kids, however, have been trained to be suspicious of us. They are very guarded around us even though we offer nothing but love. It's heartbreaking. And it's even worse when there's absolutely nothing we can do to remedy the situation. I keep wondering when the anger will run out on the other side, but it just keeps on going.

I'm not glad you're going through this, but I do feel better about my own situation when I discover others are going through similar experiences. I feel for you. I do believe that if we don't play the game, our kids will notice. In the long run, the other side is creating a future that the kids won't want to be part of. Right now they are obligated to spend time with them, but I often wonder what they'll choose when they're no longer obligated.

"The Aimonites" said...

The trials God gives us don't have an age requirement. I think we think our children's life and trials start once the fly the coup but truth is this is their trial. You know their strengths so embrace them and keep the line's of communication open. Sometimes we have to listen without reaction so they will communicate on every level. You are their mother and there is no doubt they can't handle anything coming their way. Your example and love for the Lord will pull you all through. Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeves.
High Kicks --> for God's love

parentesi said...

Hi, can anyone tell me who is the author of the beautiful Heavy Heart painting?
Thank you!