Thursday, October 18, 2007

I Hope You Have A Comfortable Chair

Some days I wake up thinking "today is going to be so productive!!!" There are times when I'm so energized the second I get up, and then throughout the day, I continue this path and it seems like I can get everything done that I want to. Other days, as I'm sure you all experience, I wake up and nothing seems to work out. Everything seems harder to do, the normal duties and chores seem neverending and enormous, and it's those days that I find myself feeling inadequate and sad.

It's so true what they say about keeping a hymn in your mind, and it's crazy how that works, but some days it just won't do. There are a million blessings in my life, and I'm greatful every second for them...but there is one situation going on in our lives that impacts all of us...and our kids...and it's this situation that has me on my knees almost constantly lately.

Frustrated isn't even a good enough word to describe how I'm feeling right now. I know my sister Mandy is without her husband all the time while he goes to school, and he goes because he's an incredible husband who wants to provide for his family for the rest of their lives. Then my other sister Eliza. Her amazing husband went to school for what seemed like decades while she raised their tiny boys in a home without seeing her husband for days at a time while he worked for his education. Then you look at my dad. I remember when he would be working nights for our family. I remember the days when he was in school...little as I was...and how my mom took care of us in our little apartment while I'm certain now it was so difficult for her to go without seeing my dad quite often enough. Then I look at my husband now. He gets up every morning to take Tiffany to seminary while I get the other kids ready for school, then he works an 8-6 job, driving 2 hours per day, and he comes home and works side by side with me as we both spend our "mom and dad" time after the kids go to bed, silently working on jobs so we can support our family. He doesn't complain, and he's appreciative and supportive of my new venture because he believes in me, and because he knows it's what I love doing. Also, he knows it lets me be home with our kids while I set my own schedule.

It's these men, Curtis, Taylor, Michael, my dad, Uncle Paul, Randy, Richard, Kevin...all these guys. They work so hard for their families. They work so hard for their children. They'd all love to live in Hawaii, or Alaska, or wherever, but they live where they can earn a living for their families. Mike and I love California, boy do we ever, but we're now thinking we need to move where we can comfortably support our family, while still leaving us enough time to spend good time with our kids and eachother.

It's a crazy time in our lives, and circumstances led us to move to California. We love it here, we love our ward, we love our house, we love our neighborhood. The Lord wanted us here, and we came. It has been the absolute best thing to happen to me, personally. My testimony that was shaken to it's foundation in the 3 years preceeding the move, is rock solid. I've always known what I believed. I've always known it as truth. Always. But my faith has been weak. Time after time, I would have to stand in the face of evil, or adversity and keep my mouth shut...almost always repeating my mom and dad's words "Always take the high road" and "The truth will come out eventually" to myself. I'm not a girl of very few words (obviously) and can I tell you how hard it was, and continues to be, to just keep my mouth shut...and to take the high road...and to wait for the truth to come out? Well, all this time I thought I had no faith, but what I realized recently is that me believing those words of my parents, me telling myself those things repeatedly, that was faith. So I DO have faith? Is this what I'm finding out here? Is this what these tests are about? Faith?

Alma said "If ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true" (Alma 32:21).

So now I look at this situation a bit differently. I know the truth here. The Lord does too. All the yip yappin, and smack talkin, and garbage and hate filled words that are said...these things aren't true. Yes, annoying and painful at times (when they affect my babies), and obnoxious and ugly...but untrue. I know that the times I've opened my mouth to say hurtful things in my life, it seems like from that point on, I feel angry, and I feel like striking out, and I feel myself trying to convince myself that I'm right, or that I'm better than somebody just to make up for the feeling of worthlessness you get from gossip or hate or angry words. That feeling is awful. That feeling is painful. I don't want to ever feel like that again.

I want to believe, or have faith that the Lord is just. I believe that He has a plan for all of us, and if I'm living every minute trying to be as faithful as I can be, then it will all work out.

In this situation I'm in now, it's been going on for almost 2 years. I made a promise to my parents that I wouldn't feed the fire. At the beginning, I slipped a tiny bit and fought back, but for the last year+, I have said not a single word. Let me tell you, the gall and spite and anger out of these other people has not died off as you'd think would happen, and this is part of what has made my faith waiver a bit. I know that this is normal, if faith was easy, it wouldn't be so valuable. My mouth still remains shut, and my sisters and parents occasionally hear me gripe for a second, but never will I speak to these people with anger. It's a habit now, and it has gotten easier. I don't even have to try now, and I've learned how to easily block it out. It's almost like a gnat buzzing in my ear, and although it's apparent, it's easily shooed away.

I guess on these days when I'm discouraged like this, I have to remember that I can't force people to do things. I can't expect someone to do the right thing, I can only make sure I do. Mike and I are really working through some tough decisions right now, and it's been so distracting, we haven't even been watching TV! You heard me right. It's like we work til midnight, then go up to watch our dvr'd shows...and we end up mapping out a plan, writing out pros and cons to things, praying together, crying and laughing. It's an emotional ride we're on right now, but I'm greatful to have him to sit next to right now.

Big changes for our family soon. Ones we don't want to make...but ones we have to make. We can't ignore the answers to prayer anymore...

...all I can say is I LOVE THE STINKIN BEACH AND LIVING BY DISNEYLAND! Grrrr!!!!!!!!!

ok so thanks for listening. You all are my sounding boards (I almost typed boreds...haha how a propos no?) and I love you all. I promise, the next post will be joyous. Oh and here's a picture of Harper saying "oh no!" 215413 times when he'd get squirted by the water fountains at the park the other day. I want to eat his little face off.

27 comments:

Amber Horspool said...

Harper is so dang cute! I am so sad that you guys are moving, but it sounds like it's the right thing. I know your family will "Bloom wherever you're planted."
You guys are great! I couldn't remember your email so I wanted to give you my website for your friends who are getting married!
www.blflowers.com

Alli Fantastico said...

AMBER! You guys should move with us. We're not sure when it will happen anyway, but when we go I may just steal your kids!!! That might work for us AND you! I'll pass the website along, you do crazy incredible work. Also, um your header is so cute on Your Family Blog

Eliza said...

I did read this while on my big compy couch.

I always know how to make my day better. I treat it like Musical day and everything is to be danced to or you have to sing everything you say. Always fabulous... Or what might work is Days of our lives day. I have the john black one eyebrow up look DOWN YO!!!!!

Alli Fantastico said...

I know you do, but can you do the raspy voice? I'm really good at doing the Possessed Marlena thing, I'm a natural.

Laurie said...

Everything will work out! I cherish some of my darkest moments because I found out how strong I became because of it. You and Mike will make it through whatever has to be done. Stay strong together and know my thoughts and prayers are with you!! I'll call you soon. Maybe this weekend.. :)

Alli Fantastico said...

Love you, Laurie!

-KJ said...

Oh you tripped out with the Possessed Marlena! Can I take a guess who your Stephano is in your life? I think I've got Sammy's glare down. So is the cast completely covered? Tay, you take Lucas.
Would you like a little Chiante with his little face? Stitttttt. I will take his neck if it is left over.
As for all the other stuff...you have been doing what needs to be done for your family and they love you for it. They will love you still even if the beach is 700 miles away. Just think, you can be closer to ME! We love you guys and want you to know you have support where ever you live.

Alli Fantastico said...

You're the best, Sammy er...I mean KJ. I'm thinkin you need some support up there in the Davis County (representin'!) so...yaya, this weekend let's yap some mo about it.

Also ew you said you were Sammy and Tay was Lucas! They kiss and stuff...sick! °Ü°

Mandy said...

yeah talor can not be lucas. taylor can be baeu, but he says he wants to be steve and hed be willing to put his patch back on

Alli Fantastico said...

Ooo, does that mean you're Kayla?

ashleyO said...

I love you to death! But you knew that! All is well...

You are wonderful and you always have been to me. The reason I love this family is because I dont remember ever fighting/arguing really with any of you! Even when you made me think that "Shlocket" meant chocolate I still loved ya! Well, Taylor I'm not counting the Ders Dooka/Duka(sp?) experience. We always help each other out!

And um can I be Belle? age 10 one day....18 the next.

Alli Fantastico said...

Yes, you can be Belle, we all would love that. I love that name. Oh and thanks for the love. You didnt fight with any of us, it's not your nature. Actually, all of us kids really were fortunate as we all got along.

oh and go look at THIS

ashleyO said...

Der Stuka!!! Who would have thought that's how you spell it!!!? Um yes we were very fortunate! i love us....we da koolst!

PAM: Oh my gosh! What century is this?

Carla said...

ALLIIIII! How the heck are ya? Talk about a blast from the past! We must have been on the same wave length because I was thinkin' about you and wonderin' how and where you were this past week! Weird, huh? Your family is beautiful and so are your photos! You are a talented and I DO love the the logos your husband designed for you! Very cool that you are into photography. How have you been? I am so excited to catch up with you and that you found me in the sea of blogs! I am going to add ya to our friends list so I can peek in on ya every now and again and see whats up you and the family! Oh, and I loved what you wrote. This past 3 years has been a living hell for me most days, but I am grateful for every day because I ams who I ams because of them and my faith and understanding of the Gospel is stronger than it ever has been! Girl you are so crazy, all I can see when I think of you is all the crazy times we had together... boy we have come a long ways from those sorry days, huh? Luv Ya! Ü

Alli Fantastico said...

CARLA!!!!!!!!! Ok, so we need to catch up. I miss you tons and I'm so glad you're still around. Thanks about the logos, my husband rocks. You'll have to meet him. We've only been married for a little over 2 years but he is aaaaawesome as anyone can tell ya.

Ok, I'll link to you, feel free to drop on in, it's mostly friends and family on here anyway, and you know all of them...so COME ON BACK!!!

Love you! Talk to you soon, you crazy woman!

Alli Fantastico said...

oh and Ash...haha! The interweb is so neato, no?

Mandy said...

kayla...no i dont wanna be kayla.
now get ready to launch into hysterics.....PIP PIP

Alli Fantastico said...

jhahahaaaaaaaaaajahajahahjahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahakljaljdlkajhkalshekah
ahaha

ahahaaaaaaaa

so good...




...she gone!

Dani said...

Okay, so if you're not going to be in the LA basin around Christmas, well then I'm just going to have to stay here in NC.... ;)

No one has claimed Jennifer yet? I liked her but only when she married Jack (the good one) I think I still have the magazine from that back in the day! Yikes!

shauna said...

Okay, so who is left for me? That crippled senile grandma with the big white "bun" on her head (are those quotations O.K?)...or Roman's mother who is on once ever 5 years.

I will not give any advice on the potential move to Utah. If you think moving closer to the problem is what you should do. Also, the mean income is way lower and the cost of living is not much lower...oops there came the advice. No more said!!!!!

shauna said...

Cute picture of Mr. Harper. Your comments were beautiful, but the way. It will please dad so much to read them. Love you!

Alli Fantastico said...

You should be Nadia Bjorlin who played Chloe Lane, mom. She was an opera singer and a concert pianist.

We're thinking of all our options mom. Texas actually has the best market for us, but none of you people are anywheres near Texas. Rent in Utah is anywhere from $1000-1400 and rent here for our big family will run us from $2000-2600...and that's in our town, which is cheap! So the savings are great, plus! Mike can get his masters for lots less than he can there than if he went back to the UofR. Anyway...those are things we're carefully weighing. Texas, Arizona, staying here if we have 2 fulltime incomes, or Utah. Who knows.

Thanks about the harper pic and the comments, love you too!

Eliza said...

Wait wait...I don't want to be John Black(although i'm fantastic as him) I think I'll be Calliope.

shark like a fox said...

I wanted to be Carrie so bad back in '98 even though Sammy drugged and sex'd her BF for the preggers.

Alli Fantastico said...

SHE TOTALLY DID! Sammy was/is such of a crazy person! Although, Austin is a total dimwit.

Alli Fantastico said...

Oh and you tripped out saying Caliope, Liza. I was totally trying to remember her name.

-KJ said...

OK, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little at the thought of making out with Tay and tricking him into getting me pregnant. I just said Lucas 'cause I thought he could do him sick. The only cousin I have kissed was Ben Harber and that was BEFORE he was my cousin!
I had no idea you guys were such Days fans. I am just pulling from my 1996 memories of the show. Then again, do soap operas ever really move that fast? I mean, last time I saw it, lets say 2 years ago, I swear I hadn't missed a day.
Liza, what was your soap opera name in college? I know you all had names. I am pretty sure all of them only had four letters in them...at least the men did.