I Hope You Have A Comfortable Chair

Some days I wake up thinking "today is going to be so productive!!!" There are times when I'm so energized the second I get up, and then throughout the day, I continue this path and it seems like I can get everything done that I want to. Other days, as I'm sure you all experience, I wake up and nothing seems to work out. Everything seems harder to do, the normal duties and chores seem neverending and enormous, and it's those days that I find myself feeling inadequate and sad.

It's so true what they say about keeping a hymn in your mind, and it's crazy how that works, but some days it just won't do. There are a million blessings in my life, and I'm greatful every second for them...but there is one situation going on in our lives that impacts all of us...and our kids...and it's this situation that has me on my knees almost constantly lately.

Frustrated isn't even a good enough word to describe how I'm feeling right now. I know my sister Mandy is without her husband all the time while he goes to school, and he goes because he's an incredible husband who wants to provide for his family for the rest of their lives. Then my other sister Eliza. Her amazing husband went to school for what seemed like decades while she raised their tiny boys in a home without seeing her husband for days at a time while he worked for his education. Then you look at my dad. I remember when he would be working nights for our family. I remember the days when he was in school...little as I was...and how my mom took care of us in our little apartment while I'm certain now it was so difficult for her to go without seeing my dad quite often enough. Then I look at my husband now. He gets up every morning to take Tiffany to seminary while I get the other kids ready for school, then he works an 8-6 job, driving 2 hours per day, and he comes home and works side by side with me as we both spend our "mom and dad" time after the kids go to bed, silently working on jobs so we can support our family. He doesn't complain, and he's appreciative and supportive of my new venture because he believes in me, and because he knows it's what I love doing. Also, he knows it lets me be home with our kids while I set my own schedule.

It's these men, Curtis, Taylor, Michael, my dad, Uncle Paul, Randy, Richard, Kevin...all these guys. They work so hard for their families. They work so hard for their children. They'd all love to live in Hawaii, or Alaska, or wherever, but they live where they can earn a living for their families. Mike and I love California, boy do we ever, but we're now thinking we need to move where we can comfortably support our family, while still leaving us enough time to spend good time with our kids and eachother.

It's a crazy time in our lives, and circumstances led us to move to California. We love it here, we love our ward, we love our house, we love our neighborhood. The Lord wanted us here, and we came. It has been the absolute best thing to happen to me, personally. My testimony that was shaken to it's foundation in the 3 years preceeding the move, is rock solid. I've always known what I believed. I've always known it as truth. Always. But my faith has been weak. Time after time, I would have to stand in the face of evil, or adversity and keep my mouth shut...almost always repeating my mom and dad's words "Always take the high road" and "The truth will come out eventually" to myself. I'm not a girl of very few words (obviously) and can I tell you how hard it was, and continues to be, to just keep my mouth shut...and to take the high road...and to wait for the truth to come out? Well, all this time I thought I had no faith, but what I realized recently is that me believing those words of my parents, me telling myself those things repeatedly, that was faith. So I DO have faith? Is this what I'm finding out here? Is this what these tests are about? Faith?

Alma said "If ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true" (Alma 32:21).

So now I look at this situation a bit differently. I know the truth here. The Lord does too. All the yip yappin, and smack talkin, and garbage and hate filled words that are said...these things aren't true. Yes, annoying and painful at times (when they affect my babies), and obnoxious and ugly...but untrue. I know that the times I've opened my mouth to say hurtful things in my life, it seems like from that point on, I feel angry, and I feel like striking out, and I feel myself trying to convince myself that I'm right, or that I'm better than somebody just to make up for the feeling of worthlessness you get from gossip or hate or angry words. That feeling is awful. That feeling is painful. I don't want to ever feel like that again.

I want to believe, or have faith that the Lord is just. I believe that He has a plan for all of us, and if I'm living every minute trying to be as faithful as I can be, then it will all work out.

In this situation I'm in now, it's been going on for almost 2 years. I made a promise to my parents that I wouldn't feed the fire. At the beginning, I slipped a tiny bit and fought back, but for the last year+, I have said not a single word. Let me tell you, the gall and spite and anger out of these other people has not died off as you'd think would happen, and this is part of what has made my faith waiver a bit. I know that this is normal, if faith was easy, it wouldn't be so valuable. My mouth still remains shut, and my sisters and parents occasionally hear me gripe for a second, but never will I speak to these people with anger. It's a habit now, and it has gotten easier. I don't even have to try now, and I've learned how to easily block it out. It's almost like a gnat buzzing in my ear, and although it's apparent, it's easily shooed away.

I guess on these days when I'm discouraged like this, I have to remember that I can't force people to do things. I can't expect someone to do the right thing, I can only make sure I do. Mike and I are really working through some tough decisions right now, and it's been so distracting, we haven't even been watching TV! You heard me right. It's like we work til midnight, then go up to watch our dvr'd shows...and we end up mapping out a plan, writing out pros and cons to things, praying together, crying and laughing. It's an emotional ride we're on right now, but I'm greatful to have him to sit next to right now.

Big changes for our family soon. Ones we don't want to make...but ones we have to make. We can't ignore the answers to prayer anymore...

...all I can say is I LOVE THE STINKIN BEACH AND LIVING BY DISNEYLAND! Grrrr!!!!!!!!!

ok so thanks for listening. You all are my sounding boards (I almost typed boreds...haha how a propos no?) and I love you all. I promise, the next post will be joyous. Oh and here's a picture of Harper saying "oh no!" 215413 times when he'd get squirted by the water fountains at the park the other day. I want to eat his little face off.