Wednesday, August 18, 2010

anybody have a membership to Heavenly AAA I can borrow?

I've never been one of those people who dillydallies. Except for when I was 13 and I was in the bathroom before church, perfecting those bangs so I could be cute for all the boys in my ward. Then I'd hear the call as my dad was standing at the end of the hall "Quit dillydallying!  Let's GO!"  Back then?  I liked to dillydally. Otherwise, I've been in a rush to do pretty much everything in my life.

This has caused a pretty fair amount of grief for me. Hastily made decisions about love, or quickly moving toward a purchase...these types of things seemed to haunt me until a few years ago when mortality stood up and yelled directly in my face "Heeeyyyy!!!" during a bizarre series of events. These events finally broke my fast-lane race to nowhere in particular.

Suddenly, I liked to take my time. To make decisions carefully. My first slow and prayerful decision to file for divorce had a huge pay-off. "So THIS is what making a good decision is like..." and just like that, I was addicted. One might even say I was obsessed. Thus, I've become the opposite, in a crazy switch of events. Some might call it a 1/3 life crisis. I call it "learning from my mistakes."

So here I am today, making decisions that are slow and low, changing here a little, there a little, and even if there seems to be something impending, I'm wary of making a "rash" decision, having been burned by the hot stove of immaturity in the past.  Does this serve me better?  Yes and no.

First of all, the decision to marry my husband. Anyone who knows me knows that everyone I meet is my VERY!  BEST!  FRIEND! immediately after meeting them. Likewise, every boy I ever met was The One. This time I knew, but didn't want to be crazy so I went on denying that I really felt like that for him, until (for heaven's sake) he was right there in my face and we had a clear path. Then I admitted it. Score 1 for me. (Pshh, score 1 for Mike, what am I talking about!?)

Secondly, the choice to move to Utah. We wanted to come up here months before we moved but I carefully weighed our job situation and until we had a secure job that could support our family, we waited. We came up here for a few reasons, one of them being to be by my sister and her kids, which has been awesome but the main reason being so the kids' dad could see them as much as he wanted.  Good choices on both accounts. We've done our part in this and it's payed off, sometimes in surprising ways that seem negative at first, but in the end, all it's done is shown the kids that we really, really love them and that we will make sacrifices for them on their behalf. They see this, they know it, and all but one of them has thanked us for what we do for them. The other one, well, he's torn, but last night, out of nowhere, he said that he sees. We just want them all to be loved by as many people as they can be. Score 1 more for mature kids!

Thirdly, I've been making decisions about my health the last few years. I hated wearing clothes that could be made into bed spreads. I disliked very much having to shop at the big end of the store, and I for sure hated feeling like garbage. Mike and I made a conscious decision well over a year ago when I got sick to change the way we lived. We walked every night, we ate well, locally and sustain-ably and we tried to limit the amounts of times we ate out per month to 2. It worked. It was a slow process, but it worked. I lost almost 1/2 my body weight and he lost a significant amount, and my health improved. I even got pregnant and STAYED pregnant!  Those changes stuck, and to this day, even after having a baby, I'm still almost 1/2 the weight I was when we moved here a little over 2 years ago. Score 1 for The Gap!

So now, at a time where we need to make a decision really quickly, where do I find the guts to go back to that old way of life?  How do I find balance?  Big road blocks are in our path and we're butting up against them right now. Unfortunately (and fortunately all at the same time) Mike is King Dillydally of Takeyourtimeland. We need to make decisions RIGHT NOW but we're worried. We're scared to jump in. Me, miss fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, scared to make these decisions? Because they seem terrible?  Yes, because they seem terrible. Also, because they seem like a step backward in the progress we've made, up front at least.

I'm such a homebody. I could stay at home and read and play with the baby and put on impromptu musicals and make posters about fake restaurants and play lounge singer and make up songs all day with my kids until the cows come home, but right now, the urge and the fire has been lit but yet I don't wanna react because there is no clear answer ahead!  Just the fire to go! We need to move where we can fix our situation. We want to fix this situation, but we're stuck in the mud. I need a boost from the Big AAA Tow Truck in the sky right now. It's exhausting.

In other news, I'm retaining water like a freakin' sponge. That's always good for one's self-esteem.

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