Update's Getting Shorter

I'm getting fatter, Tiffany's getting smaller, Lola's walking faster, Harper's sleeping longer, Kenzie's studying harder, Casey's getting stronger, Jonah's singing louder, Mike's working later.

How's that working out for ya?

Oh and I have the most amazing neighbors. Jeanne-Marie brought Osc/kar an outfit today because she's going on an awesome vacation in a week and she didn't want me to go giftless if she wasn't back here for the birth. Um...awesome. Oh and Jackie?  She brought me hot bread and homemade raspberry (omgmyfavorite) jam. I DIED.  (which was honest-to-goodness gone in 2 days, thanks to me.)

I am blessed.

We're All Together Again!!!

This weekend was pretty epic as weekends go. We didn't have a fantastic trip to a new place, we didn't go anywhere at all as a matter of fact. Our weekend was full of milestones.

Lola turned 1. She's a fireball, that little girl. She's started to play pretend, taking an empty bowl or cup and stirring it with a little spoon. She walks around feeding us all her imaginary concoction and we all are required to respond with a nod of the head and a big "mmmmmmmm!!!" or else she'd keep feeding us the imaginary food.

The weather was gloomy, rain hitting our windows as we did our "saturday" chores. I love the smell of clean laundry and so does Lola. I'd bring load after load into the family room to fold straight out of the dryer and she'd run over (yes "run"...she's running now. Crazy) and stick her little hands in the basket and grab the first thing her little grubby mitts could find and hold it to her nose and inhale so loud you'd think it was her very first breath. "Mmmmmm" she'd say. I agree Lola, fresh laundry smells so good. (thank you, Downy)

We had cake with purple and blue icing. I was afraid her little face would be permanently stained, especially since the blue and purple dye made her look like her cheeks and nose and chin were bruised. You know, from the Annual Birthday Beatdown. It's a favorite tradition in our family. ;)  A bath miraculously washed her clean!  Gotta love good ol' soap and water. Happy First Birthday, my sweet baby girl...

Sunday morning brought more rain and even though you'd think we'd be upset, rain means No Snow, and No Snow means SPRING! IS! HERE!  It also means Summer is on it's way!  Harper can talk of almost nothing else. He can't wait to be able to go to the park to swing without having to run home after 20 minutes to soak in a warm tub so his fingers and toes have feeling again.

Tiffany came home that night. We had my cousin Audrey over and she kept us company while we made and ate stuffed manicotti for dinner. Tiffany's been gone for a little over 2 months in Las Vegas. We talked on the phone often, and while she was having a good time with my sister Ashley and my parents, she wanted to come home.  It stinks to be so torn between so much fun with Grandparents and an Aunt and your brothers and sisters!  Lucky girl.

When we saw her pull up Lola and Harper peeked out the open door and when she came in the house, Harper could hardly contain himself!  He went buck wild. He loves Tiff, they're best buddies. Lola on the other hand was terrified of her. She tried to eat some paper 10 minutes after Tiff got home, so Tiffany said "no Lola, don't eat that" causing Lola to grab onto Mackenzie like a baby spider monkey, big elephant tears streaming down her cheeks. Her little heart was broken, even until today at around 2. She finally remembers Tiff. It's good to have her home.


You know, there are different ways families can react to situations like Tiffany's. I know this first hand, a couple times over. If you don't know my story, I'll save it for another time. Long story.  Anyway, it was fantastic to see how a situation can change lives. I knew from the second I found out she was expecting that I had to show her the blessing of adoption. I'd show her blogs by other birth mothers and she'd roll her eyes and cry and say "It's MY choice. I'm an adult, I can do this on my own".  I took her to see an amazing therapist one day, sneaking her into the office. See, the office is attached to the Deseret Industries store in the town next to ours. We browsed old dresses, furniture and old dishes all the while I knew I had to encourage her to go next door. As we left the store, I said "let's just go in and see what it takes to see somebody here".  Reluctantly, she went in.  The rest is history.

Even until the last day before she signed relinquishment papers, she had doubts. Mike and I brought her home from Primary Children's Hospital where the baby was being watched in the NICU and we invited her into our bedroom. I told her that we would support her either way but that she needed to think of the two options she had in front of her. So many tears were shed. She wanted so badly to keep that baby, and even if she had, we'd still love her. I couldn't let her do this alone. Any of it. She wanted to leave last summer but through it all, we never judged her, we tried every day to tell her we loved her, I read so many things about how to do this but at the end of the day, we just made ourselves part of her life and set ourselves under her like a raft. She made the right decision and we know it was hers to make. She told us last night that our talk that night helped her to really think about the reality of it all. That's what parents are supposed to do...right?

After Maya was placed, she knew she had to go somewhere. My parents generously offered to keep her for 2 months. When she came back last night, she looked like the Tiffany we knew a year ago. The Tiffany who would come home from church in her cute pencil skirt with her binders and lesson handouts, smiling and looking brilliant.

Unconditionally, we're here for her. She told us late last night that the reason she feels like she can be a productive and happy person even after so many mistakes is because she knows that  our home is always her home. She knows that we'll always have a place for her with no judgement put on her. We have to let her make mistakes, but we will never ever put her out or send her away somewhere she doesn't want to be. Feeling like you have a "home" is the key here I've found.

When we made the decision for me to always be at home with our kids, we knew that we'd hear it from people about how I should work and help out my family. My job is here in my home. My job is to make sure these kids become generous, independent, loving, educated and spiritual people. Soon we'll have 7 and you know what, I don't regret one single moment I spend here with these kids. The photography, the writing, the dreams of being something for myself, those take a back seat because right now, I just want to be a Mom.

Our bishop came over on Friday to help us out with some things. He is very aware of our situation and it's nice when he can look at what we're doing and at our choices for who works and who works at home and he  reminded Mike that his job is how to Preside, Provide and Protect. I like the way we've set up our family dynamic. It's amazing to see how the family seems to just click into place when we set our goals and then follow through with them.

See, there's this thing I have. I was raised in a really great family. Soon after leaving my home after some really bumpy teenage years I found myself the mother of a young baby and single. I started dating the first person I thought my parents liked (true story) after only knowing him for a few weeks, and really, after just a couple weeks he proposed. Later I found out he'd been engaged like 5 times before me but that's another story I'll never tell because really, who gives a crap. Anyway, I went from a normal home to a few years of being alone and feeling alone and having a baby alone to a dysfunctional marriage and family life. So when I was divorced and eventually remarried to Mike, we knew from the start we should get these kids into a normal life.

That's when this (right click and open in a new tab!) came into our life as a guide. Just reading through it with Mike caused me so much grief and sadness all the while feeling like I needed to really change some things. I was sad because I realized that the10 years I was living through The Mistake (marrying my first husband) put my kids into a home that was almost the exact opposite of what The Proclamation stated a family should really be.

This part really stood out to me the most:


"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

See, it doesn't say mom's HAVE to stay home, but really, we're blessed as women with gifts to raise our children and men are natural protectors and providers. This has worked in our marriage. Almost 6 years of marriage to Michael and it's sad that I had to be over the age of 30 to know what love is.

I tend to ramble don't I?  I know. I'm sorry. I'm a yappity yap sometimes.

Anyway, Tiff came home. We stayed up really really late just talking, Mike, Tiff and I. She said it felt so good to be home. She said she feels safe where we are. That's when I realized...I might just be doing ok here at this "mom" thing... I slept better than I have in months. It feels so good to have us all together again.

Corned Beef and Cabbage!!! Not This Year

Since I was little, we'd always have this. My mom would boil up a big pot of corned beef and cabbage and to this day, it's one of my most favorite meals. I could eat it every week, seriously. (Maybe I'll have to buy a couple and freeze them tomorrow. The corned beef, not the cabbage) This year though, the kids asked me "what else do they eat in Ireland?"

Hm... good question. I know they make soda bread. I know they use potatoes a lot. So I set out to discover what else those darn people eat!  After checking many many blogs and recipe sites, I've narrowed this year down to 2 things. Why only 2?  Because I'm lazy and 9 months pregnant and guess what, this stuff is plenty.

We're having potato leek soup. Thankfully, I've already got a good recipe for this so the only real problem might be finding healthy leeks. Green onion can do in a pinch though so I'm not worried. Also?  Duh, shepherds pie. My kids love this so we're also having that.  A "green" salad and ginger ale should top it off nicely, don't you think? I'm the most boring mom ever, I don't tip furniture over, I don't put little green footprints all over the house, I just cook good food and we leave it with that. 

What do YOU do on St. Patrick's Day?  Anything fun and delicious?

All That Chatter

Lately I've been torn when it comes to how much of an internet presence we should have.  I find so many of my good friends in photography, in motherhood, in our experience with the adoption through Facebook. I keep up with old childhood friends, I post pictures and I even talk to our family members who live out of state through Facebook. It's a good thing to have for the kids because many of their teachers are on there and even a couple of them on there link to things like due dates for assignments, particularly for Mackenzie.

But more and more often, it seems like having the immediate details of our lives online is only causing problems. For example, I may post about being sick, and then you know how time goes...1 month feels like just a day when you're in your 30's. So imagine I post 2 months later that I'm sick again, the comments NEVER seem to quit that say things like "wow you guys are sick all the time" and "jeez, didn't you guys just get over that?!"  In reality, no, we didn't just get over that. Months ago we may have but really, what family of 8 is completely sniffle free for many months at a time?  Not many, I can assure you.

That example isn't something I'm listing specifically because it causes me grief, not at all, but it's a perfect way to illustrate how our fluffy and light status updates can open a small window that others can use to see into our lives. Sadly, this window only shows 1 room in our house! Maybe 2?

Likewise, it allows us to be short and opinionated with others with almost no recourse. We can say what we think about a status update by quipping a response to others, and while I admit that most of the time it's positive, how many times do we say things we shouldn't because really, what are our words?  They're black lines and circles on a screen.  Right? 


Having kids of all ages in our home, we have to teach using many methods. We find that laughter and visual aids work for everyone. A few years ago when Harper was small and we were trying to teach a lesson to the kids about carefully choosing the words we speak to others, I found a little way to do this so that everyone could understand and also so that we could keep their attention.


Enter lesson called "Make Your Words Soft and Sweet".  In the lesson plan I found online, it suggested glueing mini marshmallows on a board for "Soft" and sugar cubes for the "Sweet" part. We thought it might be better illustrated through an activity. Which activity?  Um, throwing stuff. Seriously, is there anything better than throwing stuff at each other and not getting in trouble for it?  I vote "no".


I went outside to the neighbor's yard and got some small gravel and rocks and put them in a bucket. Then I put marshmallows in the same bucket.  Then I put a single marshmallow in a small cup and a 1/2 cup or so of vinegar in another one. You can imagine where it went from here right?  Words need to be soft so they don't hurt, and sweet not bitter because one day you might have to eat them. Got it.


I try to explain to my kids sometimes when they get offended by something someone said that maybe we should look at the words we said to them just before they said it to us. Were they careful to listen to how they said something? Even within my own home this is an issue.  Mackenzie will come up and say that Jonah called her something really mean, and then I'll say "well what did you say to him before that?" and she'll repeat it and it's ALWAYS something really gently said with a sweet smile. Puh-lease. Ok, so how about we go over it exactly how it was said?  Were there words that cause hurt? Point blame? Seriously kids, let's learn this lesson again shall we?  Looks like we might have to do the marshmallow and vinegar lesson again.


The internet is a big playground. It can be used for good!  There are so many things on there that I love, yet so many things I don't love.  Just now I saw Casey playing a game online with buddies that were put into a group to play with him I heard many of his cute friends from school!  Their talk was innocent and sweet, and then that particular round ended. The "lobby" in between the last game and the next came on and immediately I heard some new, stranger of a young boy's voice calling them all "Faggots".  He wasn't someone from their school or even this state but that's how it works. This is the internet people.


Whether it's a blog, or Facebook or whatever, we need to guard ourselves. Email, texting, instant messaging, these all fall into the same category for me. As if the world wasn't hard enough to live in, always dealing with people at work or school, church and the store, now we're ALL in the face of everyone who wants to step in our online "door".

Words are hard enough to block in the real word let alone on the computer monitor. Next time you're saying something online ask yourself, would you really say that to this person's face? There's the real question.


Now I have to go put Harper to bed and while I'm at it, I get to explain to him why it's ok to pinch people tomorrow but not every other day of the year. Wish me luck.

Riley's Birthday and some Rambling

It was 64° out today. So different from what we've had over the last 5 months. I got Lola and Harper into clothes that weren't too warm or too cold and went and picked Casey up from school today a bit early. He had an appointment. Afterwards, we went and got food to take to the park for lunch.

Lola hates swings but today for some reason, she was ok in the weirdly shaped, hard rubber baby swing. I started her out slow, sitting myself down on the wood chips in front of her and sang to her as I slowly increased the speed of her sway. Eventually she was staring off into her own little tiny girl land, singing songs from Yo Gabba Gabba to herself. You know, the one about Babies. (click!)

It got me thinking. My life seems so complicated sometimes and really, all the stress and distraction of the legal stuff going on keeps me from being a mommy, a lot more often than I should probably admit. My littles get planted in front of the toy box while I make phone call after phone call to lawyers and friends who are helping in this.  I don't even know how to open the door to neighbors when I'm on the phone because I can't miss a single word. This is legal stuff!  It takes priority!!!! Right?

Today while Lola was swinging in front of me, her little cold toes brushing against my face as I leaned under her while she was on the forward part of her swing and she'd giggle. The best sound ever. Harper was laughing as Casey pushed him "under dog" and he even learned how to count to 3 and then JUMP! off the swing. I worried he'd break his ankles but then that thought came again. We all did that!  We all learned how to jump off the swing at some point. The euphoria of floating through the air in what seemed like the highest arc and then landing, your ankles stinging a bit when you hit the playground floor.  That's kid stuff, but it teaches you to leap with faith that you'll land and be ok.

Faith that we'll be ok when we leap.

Faith that what's going on in other parts of the world has a purpose. Painful as it seems, it's so true. Everything has a purpose. Faith that it will all come together is what I'm learning today.

Either way, we're going to wake up tomorrow, or we're not!  What we can do is our very best every single day.

Today's my nephew's birthday. Riley C. turned 13. That kid is so awesome. He's a year younger than my Jonah and they've been buddies for their whole lives. I had Jonah, a year later Riley came along, then my Casey a year after that then Riley's brother Jackson a year later. Every year for 4 years a boy cousin was born. To see these boys together is to make you almost cry. I remember when they were like Lola on the swing. Literally. We were at a blessing picnic here in Utah and cute Jonah was on the baby swing, and he'd hold his breath too as I pushed, but slowly he grew to know it would be ok.


I'm lucky to have my fam!  What an amazing group I get to be part of.

Riley, you're a fantastic example of how to be obedient. You're always gentle and you play with ALL of my boys and even little Lola thinks you're funny...when you're not being "scary" like your dad. ;)  Juuuuuuust kidding.

So all this rambling does have a purpose. I wanted to capture and remember the feeling I had today. I'm not sure we're going to get through a few really crazy things that are happening in our lives unscathed, but I'm sure we'll get through somehow. Right now we're just looking to our friends and family and jumping off at the forward arc of our swing.  Just how we'll land, I don't know yet. We'll see.

If you can make sense of any of this, congratulations. That means you're awesome.

Loves,

A

Baaaoooow. Baaaoooow. Baaaoooow. Baaaoooow. Baaaoooow.

Well look at what the cat dragged in:

(Please do forgive me for the mess in my bedroom. And the black curtain over the window. I was watching a movie earlier and the glare...oh the GLARE! Also, as you can see, this was shot from floor level because as you know, Saturday is a Special Day, it's the day we clean the crap out of our bedrooms. This means piling clothes onto my bed since all of my laundry baskets seem to be full of things that are wintry since Spring! Is! Here! and we're putting away hot stuff and getting out cooler clothes. We don't have the closet space for both. As a matter of fact, wanna know how big my closet is?  And I do NOT exaggerate here. No for real, this is the truth. Hold your arm straight out in front of you. Yes. Arm. Just one. Now imagine your fingers are touching the back of my closet. K, now imagine your armpit is my closet door. Ok good that's how deep it is. Wanna know how wide?  Same thing. Yep. My closet is less than 2 feet across and 2 feet deep. For a woman. In the MASTER BEDROOM OF A HOUSE.  

Anyway. 

That was a really long description of the above video of Lola meowing. Oh and see that hair on her?  Yep, we like to call that the "one pony out and one pony in" or the "maniac" since that's basically what she is)